I never considered myself someone who quits something, stops it because it's too hard, too complicated, too this, too that. I'm normally the total opposite and will keep at it even if it's not working and I'm not enjoying it simply so that I didn't appear to be someone who quits. But today I'm a quitter. And I know I've made the right decision. It's a worthy quit, if there is such a thing.
The thing I'm quitting is my gardening course. When I took it on board I was really excited by it, I was going to learn so much and be able to put it into practice. I was harbouring dreams of what I might do instead of working in a libraryland that no longer inspires or challenges me and this course was going to help me. Turns out it didn't do much for me at all and therein lies the trouble.
I'm 9 months into it and so far I've (very reluctantly) completed one booklet. Not even a whole module-worth. Just one measly question and answer booklet. I'm so uninspired to start the next module that is about soil. I'm not sure what I was expecting from the course. I did the research, I read what it was all about, and it really did sound like something I wanted to do. But when it arrived it's so...stiff. And old-fashioned with the paper booklets that just drone on and on in this oh so dull manner that is about as inspiring as watching paint dry. It's somehow not enough for me. It's not exciting to read, it's not inspiring to think how I can use this in my garden, it's just like me sitting down and seeing the words blah blah blah in front of my eyes, repeatedly, with a few teeny tiny photographs as a sidebar. Wow that sounds harsh. Am I so 21st century that I can't go back to the old ways of learning via pen and paper? Maybe so, my friends, maybe so.
The lesson I've learned from this is that just because you love an activity doesn't mean you need to learn about the background to it or the reason why. Maybe it's okay to just love an activity, be good at it, hell be almost natural at it, and that's all it needs to be. Simples, as the meerkats would say. I love the garden, I love to plant things and watch them grow, and I love to enjoy the crops from our food growing.
For me, turns out that's enough. Try explaining the science behind it and my eyes close, my brain shuts down, and it simply doesn't want to know. So yep I'm a quitter. But I'm admitting my mistake and feel big enough to say that it just wasn't for me. I'm going to struggle to write that letter but I think once I do, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I won't come up to the study and feel guilty about the folder staring me in the face. There's something else out there for me that will make me want to stay - I just have to find it.