Saturday, 22 August 2009

Naughty party

Maybe this is going to be weird to other people but until last night I had never attended an Ann Summer's party. And quite an experience it was too! First up was me thinking that the woman at the back of the room putting all those fancy knickers and bras on that stand looked vaguely familiar, but more of that later. I wasn't drinking as it was quite far away from the Dizz abode so I was Des for the evening. Great for everyone else but thinks I, how am I going to do these really embarrassing games when all that has passed my lips is fizzy pop?

The first game we had to do was to close our eyes and out of a sheet of A4 paper construct 1 x willy and 2 x balls to make a complete set. There were some very interesting creations as I'm sure you can well imagine. Mine wasn't that bad but was slightly out of proportion, chuckle. Next up was the pass the parcel which started out okay until the party woman stopped proceedings in order to say my full name and remind me that we used to go to secondary school together. Noooo! This could only happen to me. Anyhoo, bit of blushing later we were ready to proceed. Poor R was the first to open the parcel and get the challenge: she had to fake an orgasm. This was very early on in the proceedings, only about 4 sips of wine had passed her lips, so we agreed that we'd all do it with her. Mad! Lots of moaning, groaning and a couple of woo-ooooos later the parcel rolled around again. This time S had to simulate a blow job on a vibrator. The one problem I could see with this challenge was that her mam was sat 2 chairs down from her. Oh. My. God.

The next bit was quite nice as there were lots of fancy knickers and bras and babydoll chemises rolled out, and a couple of fancy dress outfits which had like 6 parts to them, complicated! Then the tone changed slightly as we started to look at the toys. I have to admit that I've been into Ann Summer's shops before and mainly just stared googly-eyed at the array of toys that were available - it's fascinating! I'd been told that at these parties you have to try vibrators on your nose as it's the most sensitive part of your body that you're allowed to display to the general public, but this was a myth. In actual fact it's the part between your thumb and your forefinger that gets the testing. Of many many different kinds. Small ones, big ones, ones with ears on them, ones with tiny vibrating balls in them, ones with 10 settings on (oh my word), ones that did like 3 different things at once, there was even one with a ruler available in the catalogue for measuring, um, yeah...

The next game was dirty word bingo. She flashed up cards and the person with the rudest word won the card. We weren't allowed to say the evil c-word, which I think is fair enough as that is a particularly horrible word but everything else was a free for all. The card J flashed up. And I couldn't help it. Out of my mouth popped the word "jiz" (I have no idea how to spell this correctly but I'm not going to google it but I'm sure you all know what I mean) Someone else had said something else so she made us repeat our words. It wasn't bad enough that I'd said it once but she made me say it twice. In front of S's mam! Oh the shame. Safe to say I won the card.

The final game involved 3 plastic bags and a roll of sellotape. With this we had to create the sluttiest outfit we possibly could, get someone to model it for us and then describe it to all the other party people. We made our model wear a black binbag corset with white detachable nipple tassles, pink suspenders and a whip and matching necklace. And she went home in that. Nice.

All in all, mucho fun was had. And I have somehow found myself being a hostess to my own party, so when you all get your invites, make sure you leave your blushes at the door and come and join in the fun!

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

17 days

The countdown has begun. In 17 days Wavey and I pack up the popemobile and begin our journey to France. Yep, our holiday will begin, oh happy days! The first day we're driving down to Folkestone and staying in a hotel as the following day we get on a very early tunnel (7.57 in the a.m peeps) to go under the water and arrive in Calais. Then we begin to meander (good word) our way down France until we reach Sarlat in the Dordogne region, where we're camping for a week and then meandering our way back up again. 2 whole weeks! I seriously cannot wait!

Especially as this has been a pretty crappy work week. Odd how being told your job is a "waste of time" can have such an impact on your day...okay then, cheers very much, I'll just get me coat will I? Libraryland is not a very happy place at the moment. Mucho uncertainty and anxiety about where we'll all be and what we might be doing.

But! Holiday! We haven't actually made any agenda for the holiday, it truly is a let's drive along and see what happens kind of trip. We've booked the campsite but that's only cos you have to ensure you get a pitch (with electricity no less, and a petite bush apparently to separate you from your fellow happy campers). I have visions of us wandering, nay meandering, through tiny villages that lie along the river, in summer shorts and flipflops, eating the required daily icecream that is the holiday rule, and of course the pain au chocolat for breakfast and the wine in the evening...let's hope it lives up to my expectations!

Come on 17 days! Hurry hurry hurry!

And to end, on a totally non-holiday related topic. I just let a small boy stamp his daddy's library book with the library date stamp and you would have thought it was the best toy in the world ever! Aw bless.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Dicing with death

So this week finds us halfway through a 6 week stay of the Wavey-sister. She spends 46 weeks of the year living in the US of A, and 6 weeks visiting here with Wavey. Last year, as Wavey and I weren't coupled I did a pretty good job of hiding from her, obviously that isn't allowed now so we've been spending lots of time together. The thing with Wavey-sis is, she has allergies. And we're not just talking little allergies that might make you go a bit red (though she has those too) but she has a severe allergy, as in DEATH WILL OCCUR if she encounters any dairy.


So now the background is over I can commence with the post. As we know, in the Wavey/Dizz life, I'm the chef the majority of the time. And I'm very happy about this. I love to cook. The kitchen is one of my most favouritest places in the world. Until the dairy death became a possibility. Now I'm like flappy chef. At some point I'm going to cook in my kitchen for her so I've been obsessively avoiding dairy going anywhere near any chopping surface, just in case a tiny bit lingers and it leads to the very last breath of Wavey-sis...

*...cue Dizz running to the hills in fear of Wavey family...*

...I tells ya, it's tough! We made dinner last night at Wavey's and we had fish (kind of safe but not if it's of the salmon variety), couscous "did you read the box, Wavey-sis, is this safe?" and salad (phew, safe, oh wait, except for tomatoes) Sheesh folks!

Obviously I'm still cooking cos it's what I love to do. But I'm sure you can imagine the scene at the table as we eat, as Dizz tries not to obessively watch every mouthful Wavey-sis eats wondering if this will be the one...I don't even know how the allergy itself manifests, I imagine some hideous throat clutching, gurgling, rolling around on the floor in agony type incident (drama queen anyone?) But you know what? Funnily enough, I'd really rather not find out for real. Maybe I should just ask so that I'm prepared? Or maybe not cos that seems a smidge rude. How to phrase it, one wonders. "So, when you do get this death allergy, what actually happens...other than the death part I mean..." hmmm methinks not. Best just to keep schtum and continue the intense scrutiny of all packets and labels until she returns safely (fingers crossed!) to her home. But I'll just go and wash that food preparation area in the kitchen again, just in case...

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Feeling the (vampire) love

You might not remember me blogging way back in December last year about going to see Twilight, the movie. And how much I really didn't like it? Well, a couple of weeks ago I decided that I would read the book and see how different it is. I know, I know. It seems like an odd decision when you really didn't like the film but I often find that book adaptations are usually not that great in comparison to the book itself. Whatever right? It's a woman's right to change her mind!

And so the book reading began. And it's proved highly entertaining! More so because of the crazy lines that are used - Holy Crow! What? Did we suddenly move out of vampire-land and into Batman-land? And descriptions of Edward as being this perfect angel who was just too glorious to's just so funny!

I reached the chapter this morning when Bella and Edward (spoiler alert if you've neither seen the film or read the book here) headed off into the woods so that they could see how much Edward sparkles (look! the vampire sparkles in the sun!) and also do a bit of flying and running very fast (look! the vampire runs really really fast!) but mostly they did a lot of lusting. So much so that Bella nearly passed out with the lust. Or was that with the running too fast? I was a little confused by this time. And I tells ya, by the time I'd read this chapter I was feeling a little faint hearted myself.

I'm beginning to understand now why 14 year olds are so obsessed with these books. But I'm also a little worried as well. Cos if you're 14 and you're reading about all this lust that's so intense you're going to pass out, it's very likely that you're going to be disappointed by real life. For starters, I don't think you're going to come across many vampires (unless they're on some freaky "I drink blood" website - oh come on, they're bound to exist!) and a romantic entanglement with your average 14 year old boy is not going to result in passing out with lust, unless you've drunk too much to get through said entanglement and have passed out for this reason. Either way, disappointment lies ahead. I was told today that apparently they have a whole facebook page about how no man will ever be good enough cos everyone is in love with Edward Cullen...truly, this is a frightening thing.

And you know what else I found out? The author is apparently a Mormon so how come she's writing about all this vampire lust and using such lines as "holy crow"? It's so bizarre, the whole thing. I'm about it all.

But putting all of the above aside, I'm enjoying reading the book. And looking forward to borrowing the other 3 in the series so that I can find out what happens to the lustful teenagers, although strictly speaking one of them is about 400 years old. Safe to say that the only way to enjoy these books is to put aside all sense of reality and embrace your inner teenage angst. I didn't actually have any inner teenage angst when I was a teenager, never mind now as a 34 year old, but hey, I'm going with the (lustful) flow...