Yesterday I was quite certain that I might not be as opposed to physical violence as I always believed.
When I first started this semester, also known as absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life a million times harder than libraryland ever was, I would have told you that I was a picture of patience and calm, rarely angry, never shouting, essentially a pretty tolerant person. One absolutely the hardest thing and so on semester later and all those things have been abandoned to be replaced by the current version of me: angry, shouting on more than one occasion, impatient, clenching of fists, shoulders hunched up around my ears, and an overwhelming urge to punch someone.
There are several elements that have all added up into one big giant mess that have made me this way but the main one is just two little words: group work. I've worked harmoniously in teams my whole life, okay that's not strictly true, there's been problems, but not of this nature. The biggest problem I have discovered is that when you work in a team in a work environment you're accountable for your actions and your behaviour and you're less likely to get away with any bullshizz that you might attempt. In an academic environment, my experience has been that no rules apply. Apparently people are allowed to be intolerant. They are also apparently allowed to make you piggy in the middle and run to the teacher like we are at primary school. It's also okay to not turn up for meetings. Or to come to meetings but to come almost three hours late and think it's ok as you texted first to let us know you would be "late". It's totally acceptable to be 11 days late for a deadline and impact the whole group in the next phase of the assignment. Oh and a petty one for the final one, it's completely fine to let everyone else in the group buy drinks and snacks for the whole group but never contribute or offer to do the same in return.
Trust me when I say that only skims the surface of actions and behaviour that I have been so fortunate to experience these past few months. I'm exhausted. Fed up to my shiny back teeth of all the bullshizz. It has been relentless, and even now, with only a few days left to endure, I can hardly believe it will all be over (as long as we get the assignment in to the deadline that is and that's currently open to discussion).
But today? Today has been lovely. I've been at home all day. Just me. All on my own. Working to my timetable, pottering over the task, reading the books and highlighting my navy blue socks off. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I needed today. If I hadn't had today, tomorrow, when the group meets again might well have been the end. It wouldn't be the first time I've been sorely tempted to get my bag and just walk away from it all. And so I say thank goodness for Wednesday. You may just be my salvation...