Monday, 20 February 2012

Torture for beginners

I love shopping. I especially love shoe shopping. Oh and charity shop shopping. Hell even food shopping. But jeans shopping? Total and utter nightmare. I am now, after an afternoon of hell, totally convinced that some sadistic bastard invented it as a form of torture for normal gleeful shoppers. I can see the tagline now. Love to shop? We'll soon BEAT THAT OUT OF YOU by sending you to buy jeans. HA! Mwah ha ha haaaaaaaa!

I knew it was going to be bad. It always is. You start off feeling really good and ooh I like this pair and ooh that pair are nice, let's go and try them on and see what they look like. Enter the changing room if you dare. Once in there you will be driven to tears by stupid super skinny jeans that will not fit over feet, tiny zips that cannot seriously be meant for grown up people, low waist, high waist, jeggings, candy coloured (eeep!), skinny, boyfriend, super skinny, just goes on and on and on. And not one single pair fits how you want them to fit. And with each changing room you end up feeling more and more fat and ungainly and I might as well go and shoot myself now as I am clearly mortally obese and should just go and buy a tent as it might fit me if I'm lucky...

After approximately 3.5 hours and god knows how many changing rooms and varieties I ended up with one pair of funky red cords that I have no doubt I will love to death. And one pair of skinny jeans that aren't perfect but were the best of the bunch and at £14 I'm not arguing. They'll last as long as they last. And by the time I go jean shopping again I will of course have lost 3 stone and have a six pack and be toned to perfection...and I would bet my last penny that even those perfect people end up coming out of changing rooms with tears in their eyes, shaking their heads, with plans to go home and lose 3 stone, get a better six pack and go to the gym every single night...

I would like to end by passing two messages on. First up, to the clearly stupid people who make the jeans: people have lumps and bumps and curves and long feet and fat feet, they have bellies that need zips that are longer than 3cm and sizeable bottoms that need extra fabric in order to avoid builders bum. You, jean manufacturers, and you alone are responsible the world over for muffin top and visible bottom cracks. You should be ashamed of yourselves. 

My second message goes out to fellow jean shoppers. Take heart, it's not us that's the wrong size, shape, height, build, tis the foolish jean makers who must use some sort of Barbie-esque character as their muse. It's sheer nonsense, pay no attention, you are fabulous. They are wrong. And as long as we all know that we might just survive the jeans shopping torture. Good luck!

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