Notes on how not to be a tv presenter...

...as clearly I am so well qualified and an expert in this area. I kind of am though if you think about it. How much tv over the years have we all watched? Throughout all that tv watching we've seen good, we've seen brilliant, we've seen so-so, and we've seen hideously awful. And so I'm concluding that this makes me a good enough judge to make the following list:

1. Never pucker up your face and squeak "ohsocute" in a teeny tiny baby voice cos it's off-putting and kinda cringey for the viewer
2. Why all the drama? Did you originally go to acting school but didn't quite have the thing that you need to be a good actor and instead fell into presenting? If that is the case don't bring the drama to the programme, we just want the facts, not your dramatic take on it
3. When you're presenting programmes about wild animals in the wild the programme really isn't about you and your personality. Trust me when I say that people are tuning in for the really cool animals and not a presenter doing either number 1 or number 2 as above
4. Don't ham it up just cos your name is Hammond - nothing further to add
5. Don't tell us how to feel by putting your sad face and sad sack voice on. I'm not cold hearted, it is sad that the fox cubs died but I'll make that decision for myself thanks very much
6. Who carries an ipad round the streets of Manchester? Are you looking to get mugged?!
7. Foxes should never be called "sweetheart"
8. A bright orange jumper is maybe not the best thing to wear when trying to blend into the woods of Minnesota - the bears will be asking for sunglasses soon
9. Was the giant rucksack really necessary? The guy who is at one with the bears had nothing with him. Come on you can tell us, was it a teddy bear's picnic...?
10. I don't have a 10 but it seemed wrong to end on number 9...

For all of the above reasons my viewing of Planet Earth Live and Foxes in the City has been ruined. But I will persist viewing, mainly because I absolutely love love love elephants and will squeal ohsocute at the top of my voice in my own house forever and ever. Because I can and have no viewers to judge me. Ner ner ner.