Squish

Dizz is on baby-visiting duty in the big smoke, so I'm trying to amuse you in her absence. Luckily I've been quite busy recently so there's plenty to blog about.

I've played squish with Wavey a few times recently. Squish is very similar to squash - played in the same court with the same type of bat and ball - but the rules are subtly different. First of all, there are no winners and no losers, except if you're playing Wavey, and then he's always the loser. Secondly, the 'out' rule only applies if the ball hits the air-conditioner or light fitting, or goes over the top of the back wall and into the hallway outside. Other rules include (but are not limited to):

• The ball is allowed to bounce as many times as it takes you to get there.
  
• Players should aim to serve an equal number of times. Unless one of you is a bit pants and needs extra practise.
  
• At the mutual discretion of the players, you may both play with your weak hands (to get the other half of your brain working).
  
• You may challenge your opponent to play 'in the style of' a famous person - Mick Jagger and Amy Winehouse are good examples.
  
• The main aim of the game is to keep the ball in play as long as possible; long rallies are the goal.
  
• The secondary aim of squish is to make your opponent laugh - laughing uses energy and will help you both get a good work-out. Any annoyance caused to the uber-competetive, mega-serious boys in the court next door is a bonus.
  
• If the ball is on your side of the court you can shout 'mine' and hit it again, even if it's not your turn.
  
• Any shot deemed to be 'sneaky' gives your opponent the right to be a bit huffy for a while (unless you are Dizz, who can't huff for toffee).
  

But the most important rule of all is the 'over there' rule. It's a bit like the offside rule in football (soccer to our American friends), in that its definition fluctuates. The exact parameters depend on factors such as who's playing, how knackered they are and what current injuries they have (but hang-overs are not taken into account, Wavey). The basic idea of the 'over there' rule is: if the ball is too far away for you to be able to get to it comfortably, you don't have to return it. In fact, in squish etiquette, your partner should really shout 'mine' and hit it again, to a more reasonable place this time.

If you'd like to read the full set of squish rules, you can't. They exist only in my head and are subject to change at the drop of a hat.