First up we decided that we should go to Stockton for a night of cheese. We get to the town and very worriedly find that most of the pubs seem to be closed and those that do have people in, there's only about 3 people in them. Not going to be so helpful for our dare card. We were not at all sure what to expect. Who knew we would end up having such a laugh?
The first venue was busy busy busy. We had a couple of mix ups with our bar order so ended up drinking all manner of non-ordered things. We dressed up the hen and set her to her first couple of tasks, namely kissing the next man to walk through the door, and to pinch 5 men's bottoms. We ended up talking to the campest man in the world who very kindly let K pinch his bum. The night had begun.
I won't go into all of the challenges, but some of them are particularly noteworthy. The simple ones marked off, the final pub we ventured into had to be where we would find a man who would let K rub her face against his hairy chest. What we didn't realise as these three men started talking to us was quite how awful they were going to be. One of them had a severe flatulence problem and was producing some particularly fruity odours, another of them had very bad body odour, and the third informed us that he wasn't wearing any pants as they rub against his thighs. Farting guy also kept taking his trousers down and threatening to take his pants off. He stroked my hair (which we all know is waaaaayyyy off limits for Dizz) and asked me if it was real - did he mean my hair or the colour do we think? Anyhoo, he also took quite a fancy to my bottom and rather charmingly told me that if I showed him my bottom he'd get his knob out for me. How lucky am I? Particularly as his hand seemed to be attached to my bottom no matter how far away I moved. Yep him and his farts kept following me. Body odour guy took a fancy to Tizz and took possession of her waist. And no pants guy also took a fancy to Tizz, mainly because she "looks like a level headed girl"...nothing to do with the fact that our Tizz is stunning, no, she looks sensible. Say what? Whilst all this was happening, the hen was rubbing her face against farting guy's fat hairy belly, and also swapped jackets with body odour guy. Ugh!
The most challenging of the challenges was to find a condom. Now you'd think on a night out around the town that this wouldn't be so hard. We tried going into the ladies toilets to buy one. Turns out that in Stockton you can't buy a condom from a ladies loo, but for the ultimate in safe sex you can buy: a vibrator for a fiver, a jumping pecker for 3 quid, and tampax for a pound:
Determined not to be beaten, I set about asking several men around me if they had a condom we could possibly have for our challenge card. Rather worryingly I was told by most of them that I wouldn't find a condom in Stockton. Don't these people watch those adverts about safe sex? Very concerning. One kindly balding gentleman told me I could have his condom if I was willing to use it with him...it was at this point that Dizz gave up the challenge. And ran away. We instead replaced the condom challenge with another whereby the hen had to ask a random blokey to wear the boxer shorts that she'd already obtained from another kindly fella. Said boxer shorts are now residing on one of my kitchen chairs as the hen didn't really want her husband-to-be to see them. Cheers K! All I can say is thank god she picked a cutie cute CLEAN gentlemen as said boxers are a nice pair and not minging in any way :o)
We rounded off the night by trying to escape the smelly/no pants guys who were following us around by dancing rather madly to some cheesey choons on a table. Yay!
Mucho fun was had by all. Who'd have thought that so much fun could be had in Stockton town? I might be ready for another night out round there in about, oooh, another 3 years time!
Happy Wedding to K and A for Saturday! xx
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