The reasons why are far too long and complicated to explain here (try me after a few glasses of wine and lots of music) but this year, my parentals are off to my sister's house for Christmas Day, leaving me to my own devices. Oh thinks I, how can I make Christmas fun? I know, I'll ask Fizz and Wavey if they want to join me in my celebrations. And so it goes that Christmas dinner will be at Dizz's house.
I've only ever made Christmas dinner once before. For 12 people. We told everyone to come round at 2pm, have some drinks, dinner would be served at 3pm. In reality, at 2pm we were still in the very large queue at the supermarket, by 3pm we were throwing the turkey in the oven (forgetting to take out the plastic bag that contained the giblets), by 4pm our guests were sozzled after drinking solidly for 2 hours. I could barely see to cut the carrots and other assorted vegetables as I was so drunk in an effort to make it all seem okay. It was actually around about 9pm when we finally served up the meal. By which time everyone was so hammered we could have served up beans on toast and everyone would have been convinced it was the best Christmas dinner they'd ever eaten. I was hoping that this year's effort would be much improved...
...until I got the Delia book from T at work. All was fine until I read the introduction that suggested we should have started planning the dinner in October. Cue a sinking heart from Dizz. Oh deary me. (Oh just to translate for our international readers, Delia is a British institution, mothers worship at her feet, fathers adore her cos not only does she cook and look hawt in an apron, but she also owns a football team or some such nonsense like that; hope that clears your confusion up!) Good start then, seeing as we're already 3 months behind and have only 5 days until the actual event.
Phew, no need to panic, the last 36 hours are the most important. I will now somewhat wittily show you how Delia's 36 hours and Dizz's 36 hours will differ.
1. Christmas Eve early am: Delia suggests we do last minute Christmas shopping, Dizz will still be in bed as everyone knows that the holidays means staying in bed til 11am everyday
2. Christmas Eve mid morning: Delia says this is when the turkey arrives, Dizz knows the turkey will be living in Wavey's freezer so it will be up to him to defrost it thoroughly and bring it round. Wavey knows Dizz very well and realises that should he bring the turkey round mid morning he will be forcing Dizz to answer the door in her pyjamas which we all know is a major sin in Fizz's book, and so to sum up, mid morning, still in the bed
3. The next instruction is for Giblet stock for the gravy. Hmmm, I was thinking that packet of turkey gravy would work a treat
4. Christmas Eve later am: Delia suggests the preparation of the vegetables, Dizz is still thrown by the concept that anyone suggests she rise at any time that is in the a.m
5. Christmas Eve early pm: Delia says make trifle. We have to have trifle? I thought we had Christmas pudding for pudding, confused
6. Christmas Eve 3pm: Carols and baking for Delia. I can do carols, just ask T at work, I've been singing them all week. And I can bake. But as I've missed out on all the morning preparations I'm thinking that I should probably be playing catch up. Oh and I need a recipe for trifle too by the sounds of it.
7. Christmas Eve later pm: Stuff the turkey. Ding dang doo, bring on the onion baby, I'm a shoving it up yo ass :o)
8. Lots of recipes for stuffing. Hmmm again, I'm thinking packet mix will be just dandy
9. Christmas Eve early evening: Accompaniments. This means making our own sauces apparently. What is this confusion? Doesn't Delia buy anything ready made? Jars baby, that's what jars are for!
10. Get ahead! If I'm still on my feet by this time I can prepare the bread sauce and the rum sauce. See number 9.
11. Christmas Eve before I go to bed: Midnight mass? Spiced cider, sausage rolls and pickled onions...before bed? Ugh. Oh and I need 6ozs butter to soften for the morning. That's a lot of toast!
12. Christmas Day early am: There's some nonsense about children in there. Don't have any of them. Clearly I will be staying in bed, then opening presents, the thinking about what I might wear, which shoes, how will I do my hair...what was that about a turkey?
13. Christmas Day 7.45am: HELLO? What does number 12 mean if we're only at 7.45? Oh.My.God. Oh and I should be putting the turkey in about now...
14. Christmas Day 8.55am: Take a break! Sheesh, thanks Delia. If I have to be up that early I just won't bother going to bed!
15. For the next several hours my day is devoted to wearing an apron, welcoming my guests, and preparing a gazillion homemade sauces and various seasonal vegetables.
16. Christmas Day 2pm: Dinner is served! Dizz goes for a lie down to recover.
17. Christmas Day a little later: Pudding is up. Which we have to set fire to. Good job I don't live far from the fire station.
18. At the end Delia kindly suggests that I can stretch out, fill my glass and have a Very Happy Christmas!
I used to like Delia.
Any helpful suggestions to make the Dizz Christmas easier will of course be welcomed. Please? Anyone? xx
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I suggest the following schedule: Christmas Eve: wavey thaws turkey, Fizz peels and chops anything that needs peeled or chopped. Christmas day 11:30ish remove stuffing from packet, shove up turkey's ass, bung on some bacon rashers, stuff turkey in oven. A bit later, fling veg on roasting tray and bung in oven. Open wine (1). 2pm remove contents of oven, wavey carves, dish up. Open wine (2). 3pm watch Betty on the box. Open wine (3). 3:30 ask wavey what he bought for pudding. 3:32 eat pudding/throw cushions at wavey for not buying it.
So what's the problem?
I'm not a fan of Delia personally - not after her rice pudding recipe which suggested that I grated a whole nutmeg onto the top of my rice pud.
Nearly blew my head off!
Ok, how about The R cookery book, forget turkey, buy a ready cooked chicken from't co-op, warm it up on xmas morning, have Smash, 'ot dog sausages, and tinned carrots and peas, easy peasy, oh yeah and Ah bisto!!!!
Who the heck is Delia?
I've never heard of her, but her list assured me that she is not "my people."
Her finest moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_8JLkwzpd0
All is under control ! the turkey is busily thawing no probs ! I will bravely remove giblets.
I think we scratch Delia's plan which seems to need a Gantt chart and a critical path analysis.
I think that Fizz's plan of wines 1 2 and 3 then setting fire to pudding seems a bit dodgy ( and I'm not sure about the throwing things at wavey thing ).
So its Dizz's lead we follow ... sleep late, open prezzys and then make it up as we go along.
Yay ...merry xmas
Post a Comment